Matrescence is a new word I have learned about over these past few weeks...
It attempts to define the transformation of becoming a mother. It hints at the social, emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental transitions that occur when we leave our lives as maidens behind and step into a different level of power. One that commands every piece of us...
I am now seven months deep into my motherhood journey and if I'm being honest, most days I feel like a steaming pile of shit. But finding out that a word exists for what it is that I have been living and the energy I have existed in has been a strange relief. It doesn't lessen my burdens by any means, but I certainly feel seen as a woman.
Existing through all that I have been through, I wholeheartedly believe that I will be living my best life if I continue on the path that I am on. I know that the universe holds me gently in her palm and is ready to carry me to unknown places and I am grateful for all the magic in my life now as well as what is bound to come...
But damn do I wanna complain sometimes!
Because as magical as it can be, motherhood has also been difficult and painful. I have never felt so alone before. I have not felt fully
clothed since the day before my daughter was born. I feel like ripe fruit just left for the taking and I have never known this level of vulnerability.
I feel like I have no idea who to rely on. Family didn't quite show up as expected and friends fall off like dead flies... some of those dead flies sting more than others.... maybe they're wasps in disguise... That's the only way to make sense of the people who were there one day and gone the next.
And while I feel seen in a way that there is now a word to hold space for the chaos that is becoming a mother, I still ache with loneliness and all the broken promises. There is still a little girl in me mourning the loss of both her parents. There is still a little girl within me trying to heal from all the abuse. There are still parts of me that have suffered and transformed that do not get the recognition they deserve.
Motherhood has stripped me of any pats on the back or recognition of any kind. There are no celebrations for me unless I'm throwing the party. And that realization has been the hardest for me. A deep seeded lesson in detaching from external validation and focusing solely on what I trust myself to know.
And what I know is that my daughter is so incredibly special and she picked me to be her mommy for a reason. No one else could love her more. And those that choose to miss out on her life and mine are not worth the time I spend missing them.
My efforts are better off spent on becoming the best version of myself for my baby.
So I will complain and claim the chaos of motherhood and all in the same breath I hope I recognize myself in the mirror when I meet her on the other side of this.
Because I am a tired stranger; left in a foreign body that only echos of a life that feels long since gone.
However, I'd be a fool if I didn't say that despite my mourning of the old me and all the disappointments in between, I am beyond invested and excited about the future of my beautiful family.
That's the thing about duality, two things can be completely true at the same time, despite any contradictions to the other. I grieve and I love so deeply. Some people would say they might even be the same thing.
All of these sentences are here to say that this space, A Girl and Her Ghosts, is my safe space to feel, exist, evolve, and to grow stagnant and then transform yet again. It is my magic to create these beautiful, unique, spiritual moments and to also be a screen to project all of my transformations onto. My gift to the world is choosing to share it, even if it means being misunderstood.
Motherhood is now a part of that space and the energy of the sacred feminine and divine mother is at home in this space. Despite the painful truths that show up. Despite the heart ache. It's a package deal. It's keeps us balanced if we let it...
I am learning more and more that motherhood is a state, where thing's constantly change. Even as I write this, the fog around me is thinning, I can feel it.
So I am here to embrace the motion of it all and see what happens.
I just hope you'll stay for the next part of my journey.
With love and angel wings,